5 Ways to Stop Apologizing for Crying

As an emotional being created in God’s image, it’s important to recognize that emotions are a part of your character. Unfortunately, when you cry, tears often lead to apologies. It’s important to recognize why you should stop apologizing for crying.

Why do you need to say “I’m sorry” when you begin to cry? The odd thing is you’re not alone. You know other people cry, but you don’t have the freedom within yourself to allow tears to fall when you’re sad, glad, mad, frustrated, or feeling miserable. Why is it okay for others but not for you?

Reasons You Apologize When You Cry

The unfortunate truth is that negative childhood programming impacted your ability as an adult to shed tears freely. I’ll bet several of these reasons resonate with you.

~ Big Boys Don’t Cry

How often have you heard the phrase “Big boys don’t cry”? Boy or girl, this common American saying had its negative effects. Unfortunately, you heard it during moments when big boys actually should cry. You learned that crying, regardless of how appropriate it was, was considered inappropriate. As a result, you began an early journey of suppressing your emotions along with the tears that accompanied them.

So, when you feel emotional, you find yourself apologizing.

~Your Parents Didn’t Cry

Your parents, like you, also associated tears with negative reactions. This generational curse made its subtle development into your life. As a parent today, you probably remember telling your baby, “Sh, sh, don’t cry now,” before she even spoke her first word. The curse continues to carry on in your family and forms an illegitimate legacy. Until someone finally chooses to break the silent rule, it will live on in the lives of your children.

So, when the feelings flow, so do the apologies.

~People are Uncomfortable When You Cry

Ever received an unexpected tissue when you cry in public? Is the person just being friendly? In my experience, the facts reveal they’re uncomfortable and want you to stop. Most people don’t know how to react to tears coming from someone else. They just want you to quit crying, for their sake.

In Celebrate Recovery, I learned not to pass the tissue box. This is considered a form of “cross-talking.” I know that expression feels like an imperfect fit for handing someone a tissue. However, the phrase is defined as “…each person is free to express his or her feelings without interruptions.” Handing someone a tissue (or even the tissue box) interrupts their emotions. It’s important for each person to feel what they are feeling to begin the healing process. That’s especially true for crying.

So, when people try to stop you, you apologize.

~Codependency

Celebrate Recovery defines codependency as “an addiction to people, behaviors, or things, where control (or lack thereof) becomes central to all aspects of life. This can involve assuming responsibility for others' feelings, feeling guilty about their actions, or minimizing, altering, or denying one's own feelings” (italics mine; https://www.facebook.com/celebraterecovery).

Returning to influences in your early childhood reveals how codependency helped you to survive difficult times. You developed a way to keep the chaos down and stability up – it's called codependency. Those character defects never change because they have helped you control your environment. The issue is that it has controlled you and your relationships. Codependency took away your right to choose, to be your own person.

So, to keep the status quo, you apologize when you cry.

~You’re Embarrassed When You Cry

It’s true, you’re embarrassed when you can’t stop a tear from falling. Why? Several reasons, including how it makes you look, or there is no reason associated with being “over” emotional. But mostly, your tears seem to come at the most inappropriate times, which causes embarrassment. You think I must be the only one who cries all the time. Honestly, that isn’t anywhere near the truth.

It’s not hard to find reasons why you feel embarrassed. The issue is you keep apologizing when the emotions well up and overflow out of your eyes. There’s no reason to keep saying “I’m sorry,” but you can’t seem to help yourself from saying it as you wipe your eyes and blow your nose.

So, what can be done to stop the cycle of unnecessary apologies?

Goal #1 – End the Big Fat Lie

Ok, here it is, the truth. Ready?

Big boys DO cry! (Big girls, too, by the way.) Yep, it’s true. Do you believe me? Well, your intellectual mind says, Yes! I believe you! But deep down, the little child who lives inside shakes its head, No. There’s a powerful way to change your thinking. Follow the example of your Creator.

First, look at how God created you emotionally:

Several places in the Old Testament (and I’m sure more than I’ve listed here) reveal the very emotional nature of God. His emotions ranged from sheer wrath to unbelievable grief. In Jeremiah 14:17, His “eyes overflow with tears” over His people. In Genesis 6:5-6, God is “grieved in His heart” due to the wickedness of man. In Ps 78:40, God was provoked and “grieved in the desert.” Finally, in Isaiah 63:10, His people “rebelled and grieved His Spirit.” I believe God shed literal tears during times of grief.

Second, look at how Jesus reacted emotionally:

Before I list areas in the Bible speaking directly to this point, let me draw your attention to Isaiah 53. In the 3rd verse, Isaiah is foreshadowing the emotional nature of Jesus. He says, “He [Jesus] was despised and rejected – a man of sorrows, acquainted with deepest grief…” Not only was the nature of Jesus acquainted with sorrows and grief, but he revealed that nature several times while he walked this earth: Matthew 23:37 – longed to gather; John 11:35 – Jesus wept; Luke 13:34-35 - longed; Luke 19:4 – he wept; Hebrews 5:7-8 – offered up fervent cries and tears.

How are you reacting emotionally? Are you following the example of God and His son, Jesus? Looking at these biblical examples, you’ll notice neither God nor Jesus ever apologized for grieving and shedding tears…never, ever.

Goal #2 – Stop the Generational Curse

You are not the mirror image of your parents. Their parents taught them the same things they taught you. I can guarantee that the same words were used over and over again through the generations of your family whenever someone started crying. If there’s one thing people do well, is parrot what they see. In your case (and in most cases), your parents were only copying what they saw in their parents.

But there is good news! You don’t have to do the same thing. You are in the image of God, not the image of your parents. Their faulty upbringing (from faulty upbringing) is not a death sentence for your children or your children’s children. As an adult, you can stop teaching your offspring the same thing. You can break the chain of wrong thinking and acting. You received the message from your elders, but now you can delete it!

Intentional choosing is in your control. It takes practice, but you can decide not to reprimand yourself or your kids for shedding tears. You can start by not apologizing when you cry.

Goal #3 – Begin to Get Comfortable Around People Who Cry

That moment you received a tissue and learned it was more about them than it was about you creates an avenue for you to push back on the need to hand someone a tissue when they’re crying. Since it is so common, some people may find it rude that you DIDN’T hand them a Kleenex. However, I have discovered that by allowing a person to cry, you give them permission to feel out their pain, rather than stuff it back in.

In my experience, more people have responded positively, stating they felt lighter due to the open space to bear their feelings. When you feel comfortable with difficult emotions arising in another, you’ll find freedom in your ability to cry when you want to.

Goal #4 – Learn to Break the Cycle of Codependency

To break the cycle of codependency, it is essential to understand what it is and how it developed in the first place. Multiple books, podcasts, resources, and groups focus entirely on the subject. In this case, minimizing, altering, or denying one's feelings is a good place to begin learning a new way. By asking the question, “Where did all this start?” begins walking the road to discovery. Discovery is a two-way street, but in this case, it is in reverse, looking back into your family origin.

Beyond this introduction, many options await. Meaghan Rice, PsyD, LPC, in her article entitled How to Stop Being Codependent: 10 Tips to Overcome It, introduces several ways to break the cycle. My personal favorite is number four: Discover your attachment style. However, within this article, you’ll find several ways to begin the transformation from apology maker to emotional freedom.

Goal #5 – Understand Sensitivity is Not Wrong

You’re sensitive, and that’s like a swear word in many books, especially those subconsciously entitled How to be a Man. Ridiculous… Researchers found “less visible displays of tears and the greater reluctance of boys to be seen crying, may affect the [increase in] intensity of crying when it does occur.” I think the same holds for women. Holding it in and trying to control the tears makes a future situation worse – a nightmare, even.

I believe we all have an empty emotional glass. It fills a little each time when we feel like crying, but don’t. Finally, it fills to the brim, but unfortunately, it is impossible to stop the spill-over, which happens at the most inopportune time. If you allow yourself the freedom to let tears come in the moment, it is less likely you’ll experience a flood of tears, which causes more embarrassment. Over time, hopefully, you’ll accept your beautifully soft heart and thank God for it.

Conclusion

Apologizing is a common reaction when you start crying; it’s an automatic result from years of training to refrain from shedding tears. It’s not hard to remember the words that stopped you in your tracks, the generational curse, people’s reactions, codependency, or how embarrassed you become.

Nevertheless, with intentional retraining, you can opt not to behave in the same manner. You truly have control over your actions! It starts with recognizing when you are apologizing. After noticing it multiple times, you can begin to prevent it. It is a lifelong journey, and slipping up is okay. You are worth the effort to make a change. It’s a positive move forward, not just for you, but also for those who imitate you.