Declaring Truth ~ Inspiring Change ~ Celebrating Reality
Life Story
Early Life
We were a church-going family. It seemed that if the church doors were open, we were there. We were involved in many of the church’s activities, including filling communion cups, distributing flyers for Vacation Bible School, teaching Sunday school, and singing in the choir. So, it was no surprise I received and accepted the message of Jesus as my Savior when I was 5 years old at a Christian camp in Western New York.
However, family life was rocky. At thirteen years old, I emotionally cut myself off from my family and my God. I believed the love of God was supposed to come through your family, but I wasn't experiencing that type of love. I felt emotionally and verbally abused by my siblings, which created a wall between my family and me. That's when I decided that no one could take care of me better than myself.
Mentally, emotionally, and physically, I disowned my family. I created an iron-clad heart so no pain could get to me. I also invited pride in as my protector to prove I didn't need anybody but myself. "She" was my protector, but later became a toxic character defect who wouldn't go away except through the power of the Holy Spirit. I went through the "religious" motions and even attended a Christian school for a few years, but inside, I cared only about myself, while my heart hardened.
Even though I had turned my back on God, he never left me. Around the age of 40, I realized I had overlooked God's first call on my life. Honestly, I only remember the words of the pastor as he said, "If you feel a call into missions, stand up!" I didn't realize I stood up in the middle of a group of 500 or more church members. I don't remember hearing the voice of a missionary that night or if the pastor preached about serving in a foreign land. Honestly, it doesn't matter. What was important was that at the age of sixteen, I felt the touch of the Holy Spirit, who raised me to my feet.
I remember the words, the touch, the call, and looking at the pastor, thinking, Wow, what's next? Unfortunately, there wasn't any encouragement to move me toward missions. I didn't begin training to become a missionary either. At 16, the idea of the mission field seemed confusing and terrifying. It was such an awkward age for me; I didn't actively follow my faith as closely as I was taught. I was double-minded, with one foot in the church and the other in the world, following the world more than the Spirit.
I continued with my life and my plans, trying, like most people, to live life to the best of my ability. As a struggling, rebellious teenager, I went about doing whatever I wanted, whenever I wanted. I smoked cigarettes and pot, drank alcohol, stayed out past curfew, and hung with the wrong crowd, all the while still attending church functions and "playing" Christian. I sat on the fence with one foot in the weeds of the world and the other in church with my family. I never saw this as a bad thing at the time. I was having fun, and no one was going to stop me. Unfortunately, many poor decisions later led to considerable regret.
Challenging Years
I desperately wanted to get away from my family; leaving home felt like the right thing to do. I joined the Navy, hoping for a career. I spent most of my free time at the clubs drinking and dancing. My uninhabited life, unfortunately, led to an unwanted pregnancy at the age of 21. At the same time, I was diagnosed with epilepsy. It was all such a shock to the system, and I didn't know how to cope with the emotions that came with it.
Due to the recent epilepsy diagnosis, it seemed like the Navy was processing my medical discharge even before my career began. Between that and the thought of the public humiliation of a baby outside of wedlock, it was too much for me to bear. As a "strong" Christian, I knew abortion was wrong; however, I made the emotionally driven decision to have one on December 11, 1986. (Side note: Later, when I married Joe in 1996, God gave me a stepson whose birthday was also December 11, 1986, redeeming the son I had given up through the abortion. God is a god of redemption, Amen!)
At the age of 22, and after only a couple of years in the military, I returned home to Buffalo, New York. I tried to put my life back together as a civilian, but it was a daily struggle. I found myself living in two worlds again, but this time, my condition seemed unredeemable. (I laugh a little now when I envision myself sitting on a genuine fence, one foot resting on fresh, green grass full of life and the other foot resting in a field of weeds and thistles, thinking, this is a good life!)
I dreaded the presence of God, but He drew me to Him. I yearned for God so much, but I didn't know how to let go of the world. Because of my painful childhood and broken relationships, I didn't know how to turn away from the nightly abuse of drugs and alcohol. I sought God on my terms, but He wanted my whole heart. I just couldn't give him the broken pieces.
I had one respite in life, our church's large singles group. The Singles Group became an important part of my life. The invitation to lead a large group of single Christians in worship on Friday nights only added to my desire to serve God. Still, by Saturday, I found myself in the clubs, singing a different tune, dancing, and drinking until I passed out. The next day, I would attend church hungover, assuming no one knew the other side of the fence I rode.
Transformation Begins
Thankfully, though, I never stopped listening to the pastor's messages and applying the lessons from the Singles Group pastor. I learned how to find the will of God, and when I sought it, He revealed it to me. Luke 11:9-10 tells us that when we search intently, we will find God. When I turned 24, God revealed a second call for my life as a Christian counselor, but I had no idea how to accomplish it. My sin, shame, doubt, and despicable life never changed His mind. Even as I kept at the drugs and alcohol, foul language, and wrong relationships, I felt unworthy to accept God's call. But it never went away. Even though I didn't realize it at the time, God's call was irrevocable and could not be shaken (Psalm 33:15).
In my absentmindedness, I had forgotten entirely about becoming a missionary, but God remembered. He pursued me as only a loving Father would. God revealed His glorious presence to me, whether I deserved it or not. The many horrible, complicated, and wrong decisions I'd made led to a cycle of regret. I don't know when the cycle started. It seemed that suddenly, there it was, looming over me like a black cloud. Regret grew within me, and my continued decision-making process became atrocious. However, at 42 years old, God finally got my attention.
I had ridden the roller-coaster of drug use, broken relationships, marriages, affairs, and mental illness for far too long. Estranged from my family for about 12 years, I finally traveled across the country to visit them. My parents looked so old, and my heart broke as I realized how much I had truly missed them during all that time. A year after seeing my parents, Joe and I sold everything and moved from South Dakota to Pennsylvania in hopes of a reconciliation. When we arrived at our new home, my parents met us at the door with open arms.
Although I had stopped doing drugs and drinking alcohol, my thoughts still focused on them. I desired an authentic relationship with God. I continued to hear the Word of God being spoken boldly in the new church we attended. Like a sponge, I soaked up every word as if Jesus himself whispered each thought into my damaged heart. Every sermon focused on my problems; every word pierced my pain. God drew me into a place where the Holy Spirit could teach me, correct me, heal me, and love me.
Not long after, I realized I somehow missed a crucial part of my spiritual journey. All the years in the church, I lacked the knowledge I needed to be completely free of weed-infested-wrong-side-of-the-fence sin. I finally knew I needed to completely surrender my life to the love of God, the sacrifice of Jesus, and the guidance of the Holy Spirit. Surrender – all the different parts of my life – to God's plans, where I found freedom from the sin and shame that I had carried around for 40 years. In 2010, I fully surrendered my life to the One who loves me more than anything. Sanctification was the one thing that turned the rocky, storm-filled tide of my life into a peaceful, sun-soaked existence.
God never gave up on me. He guided me into places where His Spirit showed me how to get off the fence. A yielded life to God is not about what I do or don't do. It's about daily coming into the presence of God. His holiness shines upon me, and I am holy (Colossians 1:22). Because of Jesus, I am righteous (I John 3:7). Because of the Holy Spirit, I am sanctified, set apart for God’s glory (Romans 15:16). I realized at that moment I had been living my Christian life in a straight-backed chair all those years. But now I rest in the recliner of the Holy Spirit, giving him free rein to lead me forever.
New Life in Christ
After I surrendered all, God not only healed me from bipolar disorder, but He quickly revealed the third call as His servant – the life of an evangelist. First, God led Joe and me to serve Him as the directors of Celebrate Recovery (CR) at Ephrata, Pennsylvania. We thought the challenge was too overwhelming. However, because we entirely relied on God, we listened to his voice and immediately obeyed. During the three years we ministered at CR, we grew through weekly meetings and year-long step studies, preparing us for our next adventure.
Second, becoming a co-director of CR was a small but significant step toward something even bigger; God had planted us as missionaries in another location, South Korea (my first call at the age of 16). That's how our God works. God used the following six years in Korea to mold and shape me into the woman he had planned from my birth. He used me as a counselor in China, where I ministered to other missionaries and college students (my second call at the age of 29). He used me as a teacher and evangelist in the city where we served Him in Korea (my third call at the age of 42).
While in Korea, the call to become an ordained evangelist heightened. God opened the door for me to begin online graduate classes at Northwestern Nazarene University, from which I graduated in 2023. Ordination in the Church of the Nazarene soon followed. I am now honored to serve God alongside other pastors and evangelists across several denominations.
I am blessed to have a testimony that is God's story to share with others. My life is God's way of sharing with the world the hope that is in Jesus Christ. Transformation happens only through the blood of Jesus.
If you want more information about the transformative power of Jesus Christ, check out these two blogs:
