Cutting the Cord: Strategies for Ending Toxic Relationships

The book of Proverbs has a lot to say about relationships. It doesn't necessarily label them as toxic friendships, but it does suggest cutting ties with unhealthy relationships. The strategies you choose will give you the freedom you need to form good, life-giving relationships, as well as strengthen your relationship with God. These 6 effective strategies for ending toxic relationships are a good place to start.

Gain Knowledge

With their words, the godless destroy their friends, but knowledge will rescue the righteous. (Proverbs 11:9)

Your toxic friend will destroy you with how they talk to you and about you behind your back. He doesn't breathe life into you but takes every breath you have. Your deep need to feel accepted causes you to cling to him, even when he hurts you. His toxic, poisonous tongue demeans you, tears you down, and puffs himself up just by the words he uses. You don't know how to cut the cord from the relationship, but honestly, you're not sure you even want to.

~ Recognize

First, ask yourself: What are the benefits of the relationship? You must recognize the reasons why you want to maintain the relationship. Write down how he is benefiting you. If there's no honest biblical benefit, then there's no reason for you to be involved with him. Listen, he's not a friend to you. He's stealing your joy every time you have contact with him.

~ Seek Wise Counsel

Another way to gain knowledge is to seek the counsel of your pastor, mentor, or accountability partner. Proverbs 27:9 says, "The heartfelt counsel of a friend is as sweet as perfume and incense." You'll quickly recognize the difference between the counsel of your toxic friend versus the aromatic, sweet perfume from heartfelt counsel.

If you don't have someone outside of your family to turn to, talk to your mother – usually, she can recognize toxic relationships well before you can. I'm not just coming from the point of view of motherhood (I have three adult children), but also from a friend who had toxic relationships and couldn't see them. My mother and father knew long before I did that some of my so-called friends were toxic. They said, "He's bad news," but it's the same thing.

~ Read Scripture

The Bible frequently highlights relationships and offers guidance on how to manage them. Proverbs is a great place to start. Do a search on reference sites like Bible Gateway for more information.

If you don't gain knowledge, Proverbs says, "the godless destroy" you. I pray you gain knowledge soon and quickly to sever your toxic friendship.

Stay on the Right Path

The godly give good advice to their friends; the wicked lead them astray. (Proverbs 12:26)

Your toxic friend is always giving you unwelcome advice. He thinks he has it all together, so you should listen to him. However, the last thing you want to do is be led astray from the right path. Listening to your toxic friend's advice is the quickest way to walk off into the darkness. You have a tough enough time staying on the straight and narrow road without listening to advice from "the wicked."

It's hard to stop listening to someone who texts you 100 times a day, or calls at all hours of the day and night. There are many ways to avoid these forms of contact. Blocking their number on your cell phone or turning your phone off at night. For drastic measures, consider changing your phone number. He has to know you're through listening to him.

Be Quick

My child, if you have put up security for a friend's debt or agreed to guarantee the debt

of a stranger—

² if you have trapped yourself by your agreement and are caught by what you said—³ follow my advice and save yourself, for you have placed yourself at your friend's mercy. Now swallow your pride; go and beg to have your name erased.

⁴ Don't put it off; do it now! Don't rest until you do.

⁵ Save yourself like a gazelle escaping from a hunter, like a bird fleeing from a net.

(Proverbs 6:1-5)

Your toxic friend has swindled you. Yes, he has found a way to manipulate you into signing your hard-earned wages away for something he wants. He says it will benefit you, but you have never received any benefit. Something he said, or did, pushed you toward selling away your signature. Scripture tells you very boldly how to change that, but it's not an easy instruction to follow.

~ Swallow Your Pride

Once you have recognized the seriousness of the toxic relationship and have gained the strength to sever it, you need to swallow your pride to face him. You need to discuss getting your name off the papers you signed or co-signed. He may or may not agree, but the Bible tells us that is the first step.

~ Do it Now

Don't put it off! Do it now! Don't rest until you do! Does this sound like a serious command to you? Um, yes! Don't be lazy about this, or afraid of what he'll do. You cannot be responsible for his reaction, but you must be accountable for your finances. Good financial stewardship is on your shoulders, not his. He doesn't care. The longer you wait, the deeper the trouble can become as he stops making the payments he said he would make. Do it now.

~ Save Yourself

Do you know how fast a gazelle is? Maximum speed is 60 mph, but it's not just his speed that helps him evade capture; it's also his maneuvering. He runs in short bursts to the left and right to confuse his attacker. It's tough for a predator to capture a gazelle.

Save yourself like a gazelle saves itself from a predator. Run as fast as you can in the opposite direction of the toxic relationship. Don't turn back. Just like the gazelle who never stops to rest, or turns in the wrong direction, you will find yourself returning to sign another document before you know it if you don't save yourself.

Stop Giving

Wealth makes many "friends"; poverty drives them all away. Many seek favors from a ruler; everyone is the friend of a person who gives gifts! (Proverbs 19:4;6)

Have you ever noticed that some friends only seem to appear when your wallet is out? Have you ever seen your toxic friend invite you to the mall for fun, only to end up buying something new for him? But then, when you stop spending money on him or buying him gifts, he starts calling you names like "Grinch", "tightwad", or other names, to try to manipulate you into giving away your paycheck.

I have seen it in my own life as well. It's hard to say no because he's just so awesome sometimes, right? If you don't spend money on him, he'll leave you. It's a terrible game of manipulation. The hardest thing is to stop giving, but realize your relationship is built on your wealth or poverty, not on the amazing person you are. In the end, however, you're the only one who loses if you continue to support him financially.

Be Loyal to Yourself

"Many will say they are loyal friends, but who can find one who is truly reliable?" (Proverbs 20:6)

Generally, I don't advise people to be loyal to themselves, but you've gotten yourself into a serious situation that requires a different approach. For too long, you've allowed your toxic friend to run your life. You've been disloyal to yourself. You've given up a huge chunk of who you are to keep poison in your life. Recognize that you deserve to be treated better than experiencing negativity in every interaction with him. Stand up for who you are and be loyal to yourself. Forget your identity in him and regain your identity in Christ.

Choose Love, Not Fault-Finding

Love prospers when a fault is forgiven, but dwelling on it separates close friends. (Proverbs 7:9)

Truly, we are to love everyone. First and Second Peter, along with 1, 2, and 3 John, discuss in depth the importance of loving our brothers and sisters in Christ. Even if your toxic relationship doesn't follow godly principles, you should avoid gossiping to all your girlfriends about how badly he has treated you. Finding fault in him will only keep you focused on how he's found fault in you throughout the relationship, and so the cycle continues. You become a victim and stay focused on that identity instead of focusing on the cross. Make the choice not to bring up his past behaviors. You CAN choose how you feel and what you say – or not say.

Conclusion

For seven years, I had a toxic relationship. I thought it was everything I ever needed. Even though my significant other spoke harshly to me, degraded me, called me fat, and never showed up on time, I clung to the relationship like a baby to her mother's breast. He borrowed money, and I often gave him random gifts, which he would use and then discard. I just couldn't bear the thought of losing this great relationship!

Finally, after I stopped the flow of money coming in and stopped listening to his advice, I recognized he had been poisoning me all that time. Once I chose to end it, I sought life-giving relationships – the ones that were loyal and offered sweet-smelling advice, which helped me grow, not falter.

I praise God for the wisdom of Solomon through the book of Proverbs. It gave me insight into what a good relationship versus a noxious one looked like. It took the courage I received from the Holy Spirit to cut the cord and end the toxic connection. It was immediately afterward that I obtained freedom. You can do it too!