Go Forth and Regret No More

A Testimony

For decades, I carried an idea in my head about releasing regret. It's a method I used repeatedly, for tough and not-so-tough regrets. I always thought it made sense to look back and picture myself at the age when I made the decision, and whether I had the correct information at the time. Even if I had the wrong information or faulty thinking, the foundation of my decision was fixated on that incorrect information and erroneous thinking. How could I look back twenty-five years and regret something I knew in my heart was the right direction in which to move back then? Well, for me, I couldn't.

I've had regrets. I've made some of the same dumb mistakes that you've probably made. But in the end, God found a way to make those mistakes worth something to me. He'll make your regrets worth something for you, too.

Before the Theory: A History of Bad Choices

"Then Esau said, 'Let's get ready to go, and I'll go with you.'" Genesis 33:12

I recall being five years old when my mother and I went into Bell's grocery store in the middle of winter. She kept getting annoyed with me because I was hounding her for Apple Jacks. However, Apple Jacks were a dollar and five cents, and she didn't buy cereal for more than a dollar. So, while she was looking over the cereal, I snuck away to the candy aisle.

I scanned the candy available within my reach. I quickly picked out a package of candy bars, looked around, then shoved it under my little coat as I saw my mom coming toward me (my first bad decision).

We got through the checkout and headed out the door to the car. When I needed assistance getting into the car and couldn't use my hands, my mom realized something was wrong. She told me to release the bottom of my coat. I looked at her, trying to decide whether or not I should do as she said. I let the bottom of my jacket go, and out dropped the package of six candy bars (my second bad decision).

Without hesitation, my mom grabbed the candy and my hand. She rushed us back into the store, all the while explaining that I would have to tell them I stole the candy. I was so scared I started to cry.

Bad decisions can start early and continue exponentially until you become boxed in with so much fear of making another bad choice that you won't even step out to make any decisions.

~ A Testimony

We were a church-going family. It seemed that if the church doors were open, we were there. We were involved in many of the church's activities, including filling communion cups, distributing flyers for Vacation Bible School, teaching Sunday school, and singing in the choir.

At thirteen years old, I emotionally cut myself off from my family and my God. I decided that no one could take care of me better than myself. Mentally, emotionally, and physically, I disowned my family. Oh, I went through the "religious" motions, even attended a Christian school for a few years, but inside, I cared only about myself.

When I finally matured enough to see the effects that decision had on ALL my relationships, I regretted it. That one flawed decision was the foundation for all my subsequent relationship decisions and led to accumulated regrets.

As a struggling, rebellious teenager, I went about doing whatever I wanted, whenever I wanted. I smoked cigarettes, drank alcohol, stayed out past curfew, and hung with the wrong crowd, all the while still attending church functions and "playing" Christian. I never saw this as a bad thing at the time. I was having fun, and no one was going to stop me.

When I was eighteen years old, I began a relationship with Scott, a young man I had known almost my entire life through the youth group.  One day, after several months of dating, he told me he had decided to join the army. I was distraught. I knew this would mean a separation from him that would be painful. 

A year after Scott joined the army, I decided to join the navy. After my naval training, Scott and I were able to schedule leave at the same time and reunite at home for a month. Unfortunately, our long-distance relationship started to fall apart once we returned to our military duties. Although we once discussed marriage, circumstances and distance took us in opposite directions. Our relationship ended, and I was left holding a vast bag of regrets.

I thought Scott was the best man for me in my life, and I regretted that he had "gotten away." You see, once we were both out of the service, we found ourselves back in our hometown. I tried to rekindle the old spark, but Scott's experiences in Maryland and mine in Hawaii were so polar opposite that he flat-out told me we could never get back together. I was heartbroken, but I moved on with my life.

My regrets about that relationship were many. Why hadn't I fought for the relationship? Why did I join the Navy? Why didn't I follow him to his army post? Where had I gone wrong? How did I let him get away? What I felt were many horrible, difficult, and incorrect decisions that led to a cycle of regret. I don't know when the cycle started. It seemed that suddenly, there it was looming over me like a black cloud. However, regret grew within me, and my decision-making process became atrocious.

I would look back at the last lousy decision I made and say, "Well, I'm not going to make that mistake again." 

However, because of the bad decisions I was making over and over again, I was subconsciously proving to myself that I would never be able to do the right thing. Because of the fear of failing again, I would not attempt a fresh, new outlook on the next decision. I would revert to my old way of doing things, even though it always ended in disaster with new regrets. The cycle never seemed to end.

~ Understanding Our Regret

In romantic relationships, you often find yourself drawn toward men who are like your father or women who are like your mother. Even if either parent has abused you, you tend to be attracted to those same qualities in the people with whom you become romantically involved. Since you learn about relationships by watching adults, it is not surprising that you would follow the patterns of their bad relationships into bad relationships of your own. You wonder, "Why do I keep doing that?"

First, the reason you keep repeating wrong decisions stems from your focus on filling an unmet need from childhood. Second, you choose what is familiar, good, or bad. This perspective leads to a skewed decision-making process. Each bad decision causes regret, which continually builds a foundation of regrets as you move from one relationship to another. Subconsciously, you become afraid to break out of your pattern of decision-making and therefore stay in a cycle of making wrong decisions, which ultimately forms regret.

Regret is the catalyst for a spiral of bad decisions, driven by the fear of making another poor decision. How can you trust the new information to make the next decision right when you fear the outcome will regretfully be the same as the last? Your experience suggests that you may not be able to trust yourself to make the right move. So, on and on you go, making faulty decisions based on past regrets and fear, creating more regret and more anxiety.

Decades after breaking up with Scott, I was still hanging onto the regret. However, he sent a painful email that helped to wake me to the reality that my regret was misplaced. After a few days, God began to bring the "No More Regret Method" to me. I started to revisit all those instances where regret had filled my life. One by one, I worked through them using the three steps outlined in my blogs, "Standing at the Crossroad," "Gathering Information," and "It's All About Forgiveness." 

Draw Close to God

"Come close to God, and he will come close to you. Clean up your lives, you sinners, and clear your minds, you doubters." James 4:8

Today on Facebook, I read, "I don't want to be confused anymore. I want to know exactly what to do, and know that the decision I make is the right one with no regrets." I share the same sentiment with this unknown author, but we've all had regrets; even when you think you've made the best possible decisions, regrets can form. However, there comes a time to let go of those regrets and move forward in life. How do you do that?

I have gone through the process of removing regret from my life multiple times and have helped many other people through this process as well. I made many decisions that were so wrong, so bad. In my life, if I had kept all that baggage, I'd be carrying around one hundred or more suitcases filled to the brim with regrets. It brought healing to those feelings, and I cannot express the joy I have found by leaving them all in God's hands. Until you are free from regrets, too, you will not be able to comprehend the joy God wants to give to you. But He wants you to know it in the fullest possible way. 

Today, your regrets are the only thing condemning you in this life. See what Romans 8:1-2 tells us about condemnation:

"Therefore, there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus, because through Christ Jesus the law of the Spirit of life set me free from the law of sin and death."

To be condemned means to be judged and sentenced to death. But with Christ there is no condemnation—none! Whatever holds you back from letting go will not condemn you. It is only the fears you hold in your mind that keep you in bondage. How many times have you thought about your past and worried about your future? For me, it was a constant movie reel of condemnation and fear. God broke the bondage from which I suffered and set me free through the No Regret Method.

I had many regrets to work through. It was harder to work on some than on others, but the outcome was the same--freedom from regret, guilt, and shame followed by belief in the whole love and fullness of God in my life.

Conclusion

The problem with regret is that you cannot truly love yourself when you are regretting things you have or have not done. You cannot fully understand the power and love of God when you are dwelling on the past, fearful of making another bad decision. It's time to go forth and regret no more.

Start HERE.