Step One: Go Forth and Regret No More

Standing at the Crossroads

Hopefully, you started this journey to permanently remove regret by reading the introduction to the regret blog here. There are three steps along this journey, broken down into three separate blogs so you can take them one at a time. This blog is just step one. At the bottom of this blog, you’ll find links to the next two steps.

Before we begin the process, open your mind and heart to the Holy Spirit through prayer. Get ready to move back to a time when you were standing at the crossroads of a decision you had to make.  Please take a moment now to reflect on how you achieved it, and how you feel about it today. It won't be easy. It may even be painful. However, this is the right time for you to grow and move forward in your life. The pain will be temporary if you can trust God while walking through the No More Regret method.

To view an extended study of the first step in releasing regret, follow this link to my YouTube video.

No Regret Theory

The no regret theory states:

We make decisions with all the information available at the moment; whether that information is flawed or thinking is faulty at the time is of no consequence. After we choose, then follow through with our plan, reevaluating it later on when more or new information becomes available, or when our thinking becomes clearer, might lead to regrets. Regrets hinder us from taking the next step toward achieving our goals.

It’s important to understand how regret is formed. Regret can be formed because of an action you chose, or one you chose not to make. Returning to the crossroads, gathering information, and forgiving are the tools you can use to overcome regret.

Charlene’s Regret

“This is what the Lord says: Stand at the crossroads and look.

Ask which paths are the old, reliable paths. Ask which way leads to blessings.

Live that way, and find a resting place for yourselves.”  Jeremiah 6:16a

At twenty-three, Charlene lost her job. She was tired of minimum wage, dead-end jobs. She decided it was time to start a career. She was drawn to the idea of attending college, but she was also intrigued by the prospect of military service. She loved her country but wanted an education she could use later in life, too.

Charlene started applying to her local colleges, but one day she stopped by the army recruiter while shopping at the mall. After speaking with Sgt. Thompson, for an hour, Charlene walked away excited but with mixed feelings.

For the next two months, Charlene spoke with many people, some of whom she trusted implicitly and some whose opinions she just wanted to hear. There were varying thoughts about the military and the current state of war in Iraq; however, after praying, Charlene chose the army over university. She knew after her four-year enlistmen,t she would have the opportunity to attend college on the government’s dime.

After completing basic training and further military education, Charlene received orders for Iraq. According to the president, the war was over; yet, she knew there was still fighting within the country. After a short two-week leave at home, she headed to the war zone in Iraq.

Charlene felt strong about her decision, even though Iraq was a frightening place. She prayed every day that the Lord would surround her with his hedge of protection. One day, while out on patrol in Baghdad, Charlene and her security teammate became the victims of a roadside bomb. Charlene was hit with shrapnel; her teammate was killed.

As Charlene was recovering at Walter Reed Army Hospital in Washington, D.C., her thoughts swirled with many regrets. She reached down to touch the missing limb she knew would still be there if she hadn't joined the army. The phantom pain from her missing leg, along with the mental anguish from the explosion, was more than she thought she could bear.

“I should have gone to college instead.”

“I would still have my leg if I hadn’t joined the army.”

“I could have saved my friend if only I had...”

All the “shoulda, woulda, coulda’s” haunted her thoughts day and night.  Charlene stood at the crossroads of her decision, regretting it.

The Crossroads

The crossroad is where the no-regret method starts.  Like Charlene, you will need to stand at your crossroads and examine the available information to make a choice.

Here is where the hard part starts. It's not like deciding to quit smoking and stop buying cigarettes, or go on a diet and stop eating donuts. This is a conscious plan where you choose to accept your original decision after reviewing your choices and all the available information (pros and cons) at the time.

Have you thought of a particular regret you are dealing with? Yes? Then take a moment to close your eyes and think of the place and time when you made your decision.  How old were you?  How mature or immature were you?  How much stress did you have in your life at the time?  How much pressure from outside sources (family, friends, church, spouse, etc.) did you have at the time you were looking at your choices?  Did you feel you had no choice in the decision you made because of your situation?

When I was looking at the choices I had to make during my pregnancy as a single woman in the navy, I still chose to have an abortion, even though I knew it was wrong.  Even though I had grown up in the church and learned that abortion was a bad choice, I still made it my choice and, hence, my final decision. I felt that I had no choices, but when I went back to the crossroads, I realized that I did have other options. I had to forgive myself for going against God and repent. Once I did that, my regret disappeared. 

Do you have a regret that carries back to a choice you felt you had to make, even though you knew it was the wrong one?  It wouldn’t surprise me if you did.  As we work through the steps of releasing regret, we will work on the area of acceptance, for you will need to accept your decision to move on.  But let’s not put the cart before the horse.  Let’s first look at your choices.

Imagine yourself standing at the crossroads of that decision you are regretting. You must also put yourself back into the correct time. For instance, if it were June 2001, then you must think of yourself at that age with the knowledge and maturity you had in June 2001. Not in August 2001 because even in two months, you can learn new things that may have reshaped your decision. So, you must go to the exact date of the crossroads.  Sometimes it is hard to remember the precise day, date, and time. If this is your case, then try to remember the moment or general time frame. Pray now and ask God to help you recall the moment.

Now you're at the decision road, the crossroad. I like to think of this point as the spot where Dorothy, in The Wizard of Oz, stands on the yellow brick road, trying to decide which way to go.  That’s where I had to revisit to begin removing regret from my life. That’s where you must revisit as well if you want to overcome regret.

Start by taking a blank sheet of paper. On one side write “Choice One” and on the other side “Choice Two.” (You may have had more than two choices, so if this is the case, add another column for the different choices you had to make.) At the very top of the paper, write the regret, your age, and the approximate date. Hold onto the paper for the next step. This step involves working your way to the crossroads and the actual regret you are feeling.

Charelen's Choices (Example)

Conclusion

Shortly after I was discharged from the Navy, I was caught stealing two bras from a military store.  When I began working on my regret, I had to close my eyes and think about what I was regretting.  Was I regretting getting caught?  Or was I regretting the actual act of stealing?  I must admit that at the time when I got caught, I regretted getting caught.  It wasn’t until much later, after God had worked on my heart, that I regretted the stealing. 

At first, I thought my crossroads would be choice one: to look out for the in-store cameras, and choice two: not to have gone back into the store to steal a second bra; when my choice was to steal or not to steal. As you move into step two, “Gathering Information,” you’ll begin to fill in the pros and cons of your choices. You may find that your crossroads have an onion effect. You may have to peel back the layers of decisions to see the original decision that led to the regret, which is what I had to do to pare down my honest regret about stealing.

Are you standing at the crossroads of your decision?  Good, then move on to step two, which will walk you through the pros and cons you faced at the point of decision time. Don’t forget to take your paper with you!

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For a more in-depth discussion of "Standing at the Crossroads" from Go Forth and Regret No More, please enjoy the video below.