Step Two: Go Forth and Regret No More

Gathering Information

The process of permanently removing regret from your life is, in fact, a process. In some cases, God, in His mercy, sets people free from their regrets in an instant. I wasn’t one of those lucky ones. However, He was merciful in giving me the way to free my heart and mind from the trap of regret by using the three steps of the no regret method. In this step, let’s focus on information gathering.

Revisiting the No Regret Theory

The No Regret Theory states:

We make decisions with all the information available at the moment; whether that information is flawed or thinking is faulty at the time is of no consequence. After we choose, then follow through with our plan, reevaluating it later on when more or new information becomes available, or when our thinking becomes clearer, might lead to regrets. Regrets hinder us from taking the next step toward achieving our goals.

It’s essential to understand how regrets form. Regret can form because of an action you chose, or one you decided not to make. Returning to the crossroads, gathering information, and forgiving are the tools you can use to overcome regret.

Revisiting Charlene’s Regret

I’m including the story of Charlene’s regret from step one as a reminder of what she faced. If you have recently read it, please proceed to the next section, “Gathering Information,’ located here

At twenty-three, Charlene lost her job. She was tired of minimum wage, dead-end jobs. She decided it was time to start a career. She was drawn to the idea of attending college, but she was also intrigued by the prospect of military service. She loved her country but also wanted an education that would benefit her later in life.

Charlene started applying to her local colleges, but one day she stopped by the army recruiter while shopping at the mall. After speaking with Sgt. Thompson for an hour, she walked away excited but with mixed feelings.

For the next two months, Charlene spoke with many people, some of whom she trusted implicitly and some whose opinions she just wanted to hear. There were varying thoughts about the military and the current state of war in Iraq; however, after praying, Charlene chose the army over university. She knew after her four-year enlistment, she would have the opportunity to attend college on the government’s dime.

After completing basic training and further military education, Charlene received orders for deployment to Iraq. According to the president, the war was over, yet she knew there was still fighting within the country. After a short two-week leave at home, she headed to the war zone in Iraq.

Charlene felt strong about her decision, even though Iraq was a frightening place. She prayed every day that the Lord would surround her with his hedge of protection. One day, while out on patrol in Baghdad, Charlene and her security teammate became the victims of a roadside bomb. Hit with shrapnel, Charlene lived, but her teammate died.

As Charlene was recovering at Walter Reed Army Hospital in Washington, D.C., her thoughts swirled with many regrets. She reached down to touch the missing limb she knew would still be there if she hadn’t joined the army. The phantom pain from her missing leg, along with the mental anguish from the explosion, was more than she thought she could bear.

“I should have gone to college instead.”

“I would still have my leg if I hadn’t joined the army.”

“I could have saved my friend if only I had...”

All the “shoulda, woulda, coulda’s” haunted her thoughts day and night. Charlene stood at the crossroads of her decision, regretting it.

Gathering Information

A strong man knows how to use his strength,

but a person with knowledge is even more powerful. Proverbs 24:5

Charlene had already put together the choice one and choice two papers of her regret. So now Charlene took a pen and started writing madly. Writing about the anger she felt so deeply. She was angry at many people, but especially at herself for having decided to join the army. At the time, she thought she had made the right choice. She thought she had investigated long enough. She thought she had listened to the right people, and lastly, she believed God had directed her path.

For her benefit, she had to start writing down all the information she had gathered before she made the final decision to join the army.

In this step, you will begin listing all the pros and cons you encountered while standing at the crossroads we examined in step one. You’re still working on the same regret from the previous blog and mentally standing at that crossroad, ready to remember the information you had back then. 

It’s time to find that paper you started in step one. Begin writing down everything you can remember, leaving out what you think you should have done, could have done, or would have done. Remember, you MUST stay on the date of the decision. Being older now doesn’t figure in because you weren’t older then. When you begin the exercise, please keep in mind that some pros and cons may be the same for each choice (see EXAMPLE ONE below).

Don’t make the mistake of listing items that you learned about later on in life. Make it a point not to look back at the moment of the decision and see how the other option might have been a better choice. You can easily “what-if” yourself to death. Looking forward or around can only cause added guilt, shame, and pain, which may strengthen the regret. Stay focused.

Take your time in this step. Pray a lot. You need support from the Holy Spirit. Psalm 33:15 says that He created your heart, so he understands everything you do, so he’s the one to completely rely on to bring up and out the information you need. He can help you reach the point of acceptance later in step three.

Even if you cannot remember it all or are struggling with the timing, getting this information down on paper in front of you may help you recall more of your original options.

Charlene’s Chart

Here is an example of Charlene’s chart:

We can easily see the pros and cons of Charlene’s choices. Notice that on both sides, “fun” and “make long-lasting relationships” are highlighted. You may find that some of your pros and cons are the same on both lists as well. This discovery is not wrong. 

As you review your past options, you should recognize the choice you made at that time. You decided on that approach based on the information available to you at that time. You did not have the option of looking ahead. You had to choose at that moment. Now--days, months, or years later--you are regretting that decision.

Conclusion

It’s time to start gathering and writing down your information. Make sure to write the good and the bad for each road on your chart. Use Charlene’s chart above as an example to help you make your chart personal. Once you’ve gotten to the point where you know you’ve gotten as much information as you need, or you’re completely exhausted, take a break. Breathe in deeply several times to clear your mind. Then, proceed to the final step: forgiveness.

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For a more in-depth discussion of "Gathering Information" from Go Forth and Regret No More, please enjoy the video below.