Go Forth and Regret No More: False Regret

You have seen it; yes, you have taken note of trouble and grief

and placed them under your control. The victim entrusts himself to you.

You alone have been the helper of orphans. Psalm 10:14

My Experience

A few years ago, my husband and I moved to Pennsylvania. We needed a new car, but we didn’t think we could afford it since our move had been very costly. However, we found a dealership that was willing to sell us a new car within our price range, but I didn’t like the options.

When I argued against wanting that car and suggested looking at other vehicles on the lot, they said there was nothing on the lot that we could afford. This one, out of the approximately 500-plus cars, the salesman told us, was the only one suitable for us. I was skeptical. The car wasn’t a convertible, as I had requested, but the salesman said we couldn’t afford one. I didn’t believe him since he was trying to sell us a brand-new Mitsubishi. I wasn’t asking for a new convertible. 

My question was, how could we not afford, say, a 2001 convertible or even something older, yet according to him, we could afford this brand-new car? We never had the opportunity to look at any other vehicle on the lot. We sat in front of the salesman’s desk until we went for a test drive. We bought the Mitsubishi, but for weeks, I felt ripped off. It took a lot of tossing and turning, along with late nights and no sleep, to begin to feel okay about the purchase. Now that I have had the car for a couple of months, I dislike it even more. I regret purchasing the vehicle.

Now, don’t jump out of your seat and shout “Debbie’s regretting! Debbie’s regretting!” because there’s more to this story.

Side Note:

Before Joe and I got married, we agreed on the following plan:

Decisions, big or small, are always discussed between my husband, Joe, and me. We always work together to make the best decisions for each other and our family. However, when there are times when we cannot agree, I defer to my husband, who is the head of the family. Sometimes this can be difficult, but I trust that my husband would never intentionally do anything to hurt the family.

For a few months, I was regretting the purchase of the new car. I felt I “coulda” said no; I wanted a convertible. I thought I “shoulda” put my foot down when the dealership said there was no other car to look at. If I were strong enough, I “woulda” run out of there and never gone back. Blah, blah, blah...coulda, shoulda, woulda.

There was no coulda, shoulda, woulda about it. Ultimately, I had no control over those things. Even though I wanted a convertible, the salesman was not going to show one to me. Joe decided this car was going to work for us. There wasn’t anything more I could do because he had chosen for us. Lastly, running out of the dealership would have just been plain childish. Joe was right in making the decision, and I was right to sit back and let him, even though I regretted his decision.

So how can I regret the decision to buy the car? I had to re-examine Joe’s decision and acknowledge my role in our decision-making process. In the end, he made the choice, and I had to accept that. Regret? GONE!

My car purchasing experience is just one example of how we often take responsibility for a decision we didn’t make and turn it into our own regret. To rid ourselves of this type of regret, we must follow the same steps as if it were our own decision from the beginning. However, in this case, we must consider the other people involved with the decision. We may be feeling a false sense of regret when we had no choice in the decision-making process (as was the case with Joe and me purchasing the Mitsubishi).

Mary’s Experience

Another example is Mary, who was a close friend of mine throughout school. She was an upbeat Christian girl who was voted “Most Likely to Succeed” in her senior year of high school. After four years of college, her journalism career began when she landed a great job at a local TV news network. She was feeling more confident than ever.

After working late one night, Ted, a male coworker, asked her to step out for a drink. She had known Ted for about a year and felt comfortable accepting his offer. Unfortunately, this innocent drink led to one of the worst nights of her life.

What Mary didn’t know was that Ted never took no for an answer. When Mary said no to more drinks, Ted became impatient. When Mary said no to Ted walking her to her car, Ted became frustrated. Finally, when Mary said no about going back to his place, Ted took control. He forced her into his car and drove her to a secluded spot where he raped her, left her naked, and out in the cold. He tried to force her into his car, but she was able to ward off his attack. However, he left her battered and bruised, standing in the cold.

Mary returned to her apartment a different woman that night. She never reported the assault, quit her job, and avoided relationships. Her decision-making process underwent a dramatic change, which, in turn, altered her personality and, consequently, her life. She was no longer the strong, confident woman I had come to know and love. She became meek and scared. It became apparent that she needed to work through what had happened, the anger she felt toward Ted, and the regret she had about agreeing to the drink. The guilt she was feeling was a false sense of regret, which was directly related to Ted’s decisions, not her own.

Mary had deep regrets attached to the abuse.

“If only I hadn’t said yes to that one drink.”

“If only I had stopped Ted from attacking me.”

“If only I had screamed ‘STOP!’”

Mary’s regrets began with the first decision to go out for that one drink with Ted, but it wasn’t that decision that caused the incident. Ted decided to overtake her.

What Mary had to do was to go back to each decision she made that night and work through the steps contained here to release herself of the responsibility for what Ted did, then forgive him. She had to let go of the false regret.

Here are some other areas in our lives that may have resulted in false regret:

• Any crime against you

• Where to go to college

• Finishing high school

• Divorce

• Removal of your child

• Losing custody of a child

• Becoming a pastor (preacher, reverend, priest)

• How many children to have

• Where to live

• Filing for bankruptcy (If married, you may not have a say if your spouse files.)

• Death of a friend or loved one. Sometimes we believe our actions caused the death, or in some way we could have stopped it.

• The list goes on and on.

As you work through the steps of your regret, re-check to see if you made the original decision. Are you regretting a decision that someone else made? If you can see a direct line to someone else, or some event, give that decision back to the person or event. Realize that false regret is just that - false. It feels real, but it does not belong to you.

Justin’s Experience

I met sixty-five-year-old Justin M. at a no-regret seminar I was holding in Pennsylvania. I could see he was anxious to talk to me. The first thing out of his mouth was “I regret ever being born!”

Justin went on to say that throughout his life, as the only boy among six children, he was set apart from the rest of the family. When his parents and five sisters went out together, he had to stay with his grandmother or a babysitter, even though he wasn’t the youngest. When something went wrong in the house, the first one his father yelled at was Justin. He often heard that he was “an accident.” He felt he hadn’t made the right decisions throughout his life and pinpointed those bad decisions back to the point of his birth.

Thankfully, Justin was a Christian, and I could talk to him about the love of God and that even though his parents told him he was a mistake, God created him for a purpose. He worked through the steps outlined in the No Regret blog series, forgave his parents, and is now serving as a leader in a ministry he feels passionate about. Before that, he thought he was no good, undeserving, and could never serve God for His kingdom.

Conclusion

Justin still had to go back to the crossroad and work the steps as if he owned the decision (being born) that caused the false regret because the regret was genuine to him. You will have to do the same. Recognize that you had no say in the decision that is causing this false regret in your life. Now let go of the false regret. That’s it; just let go. Put it in the hands of the one who created the universe. The decision someone else made is not yours to regret. Be free.